Courage To Dream: Lies Unchained

An abused wife, a traumatized daughter, a depressed mother? What is the cost of dreaming? What does it take to have the courage to dream? Is one supposed to live a lie and a half life and not dream of something complete? Many times in life God gives us a chance to dream and change our lives the way we see it and it is at this point, we have to choose to either live the rut we are living or branch out dream, to suffer silently or have the courage to dream.

“So you’re always honest,” I said.
“Aren’t you?”
“No,” I told him. “I’m not.”
“Well, that’s good to know, I guess.”
“I’m not saying I’m a liar,” I told him. He raised his eyebrows. “That’s not how I meant it, anyways.”
“How’d you mean it, then?”
“I just…I don’t always say what I feel.”
“Why not?”
“Because the truth sometimes hurts,” I said.
“Yeah,” he said. “So do lies, though.”
Sarah Dessen, Just Listen

The Anatomy Of A Lie

A lie, though might seem harmless to you, can wreck havoc in someone’s life. Not because the lie was big or a gamechanger but because the cost of trust is very high and the person that trusted you probably will never be able to do so again. The cost of belief is one that we cannot repay. A lie is based out of a single understanding that people can be fooled and this understanding itself is fueled by sheer overconfidence over one’s ability to convince but what a liar forgets is that the greatest empires have fallen on the backs of perceived reality. It is this perceived reality that causes a liar to feel that nothing can go wrong in his plan and that he will get away with it.

There are several reasons why people tell lies: to protect themselves from punishment or embarrassment, to protect their own fantasies about themselves, and to protect the feelings – or, in extreme cases, the lives – of others regardless of the purpose, “the desire to assume control over another human heart is the basis of most human lies”

Ordinary language is an accretion of lies
Susan Sontag

The language of literature must be, therefore, the language of transgression, a rupture of individual systems, a shattering of psychic oppression.

Unlike in literature, however, lies in life create rather than shatter “psychic oppression” — especially in a culture where the deadly fear of being wrong drives an exponential tragedy of cover-up lies after even the most benign of errors, a culture that then takes noxiously gruesome pleasure in devouring its fallen stars with far too little intelligent reflection.

The Impact Of A Lie

Trust broken, love forgotten, joy mortgaged but most of all- a soul sold! The impact of a single lie can be life threatening and this effect is accentuated if the other person trusts you blindly. Imagine, your partner lies to you that they are straight but when a holy union is solemnized the truth surfaces. What does the victim do then? The lie that was thrust into the face of the partner hit like a rocket at the speed of light. That feeling in itself can be soul shattering but how does the partner cope up now under the pressure and shadow of such a lie, can that person ever trust again? Well, they must! They must have the courage to dream because while the impact of a lie might seem life ending it is nowhere as profound as the impact of a good memory, a good memory is worth a thousand lies combined.

The person must replace the lie with a positive memory, this in itself is called positive psychotic reinforcement. But now the question arises, should the lie be forgotten?

I could easily forgive his pride, if he had not mortified mine
Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice

Should we forget?

No. This is the simplest answer I can give but to be fair there are more layers to this answer than a simple no.

We must fight for what is right because that is true redemption, sometimes certain lies are so profound and life changing that only revenge can soothe our souls. Now I know some people might disagree with me by saying that to forgive is divine but the truth is most of us are not divine. We are humans and we feel emotions. We feel betrayed, we feel loved, we feel ignored. We cry. And revenge alone can pay the price of these tears.

Now I am not a proponent of revenge but I stand firmly behind getting what belongs to you and if in the course of living a lie perpetuated by someone close to you, you end up spending some resource then we have to claim it back! Monetary? Get it! Emotional? Absolve! Both kinds of resources should be claimed back and only then can we expect to be set free truly.

So, don’t be a silent sufferer. Unchain the lies and have the courage to dream. Fight till you feel better not on the outside but on the inside!

Let’s Handle It!

Let’s face it people, love handles aren’t great, especially if you’re a 20 something youngster who has his entire life ahead of himself. The worst bit is that not only do these love handles look ugly as fuck, they are also precursors to an impending ailing future riddled with health issues.

So yeah, like every other nerd engaged in the software industry, I too found myself fat and ugly. The body shaming was subtle but painful. The camouflaged taunts ripped my soul apart. The decision had to be taken. Now let me call this out at the onset itself, I am not a fitness Guru nor am I ripped. I am fat.

But what I wish to share with the readers of the blog is my journey. I want you guys to be a part of this journey as I sojourn into the unknown and try to do the unthinkable. Trying to achieve something that nobody believes I can. Be fit. Now, I am not one of those self aware and fulfilled guys, I want to lose weight and have muscle to show for it. I don’t conform to the fit inside ideology, I want to be ripped.

You know the funny part? Standing at around 90 Kgs, not many people think I can do this but I have to for some people in my life that believe in me. I want to do this for them. Loyal readers of this blog know that I tried embarking on this journey earlier this year but failed miserably. Why? Because the motivator of that effort was agony, grief and at the core, hatred. We all know negative emotions are short lived and so is the motivation born out of it. Hence, this time I am motivated positively and will achieve this feat no matter what happens. It’s now or never for me.

I will be posting updates about my journey, be it scale or non-scale victories.

The Cost Of Love

“It is better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for what you are not.”
Andre Gide, Autumn Leaves

What is the cost of love? When does love become Pyrrhic victory, when does love stop ceasing to be carefree and relaxed and becomes a toll on both parties? When does the cost of love outweigh the benefits?

This question probably will never have an answer, since such is the intoxicating nature of this emotion that we never tend to see the other side of the coin, we ignore the red flags and continue on the path which would surely lead us to certain doom. But the point that bothers me the most, when does love start doubting it’s own existence, when does the cost of love become so high that love itself starts questioning it’s relevance?

The perfect relationship? Timing + communication x mutual attraction – emotional baggage = intimacy

Emotional baggage can be in several forms of commonly found emotions

What I want my learned readers to focus on is the last bit of the LHS. Emotional Baggage. This devastating rogue can disguise itself as memories and seem harmless, this can masquerade as experience but the truth is emotional baggage is never healthy and it is this parameter that pushes the cost of love beyond an acceptable number, where love itself becomes a loss making proposition.

Trust. Yes, trust is the most important aspect of one’s life. If you trust your partner and believe in them then there can be no external factor that can control the profitability of your relationship and you can convert this asset into a priceless one. Trust is that insurance policy that will always ensure that your investment viz. your feelings, efforts and emotions are safe. It will ensure that whatever you put into love gets doubled. And trust me this is no Ponzi scheme, it is the truth.

My readers know that I came out of a long term relationship and if that time has taught me one thing, it is simply trust. Now I was betrayed but does that I mean stop trusting? No! One failed stock doesn’t mark the stock market as failed. One bad instance should not force you to compare. Give your all and you shall reap the benefits, that’s a promise!

Trust is the cornerstone of every relationship

So trust your relationship, trust your partner and see your costs drop and profits increase. Your paycheque? A lifetime of peace and happiness!

But most of all, Trust yourself! Spread love and spread happiness. Let’s all be rich!

Different Ends. Same Beginnings.

Have you ever wondered what is the meaning of life?
Have you ever wondered what is the purpose of life?
Have you ever wondered what is the goal of life?

I, too have, spent endless hours trying to figure out the answers to the above mentioned questions but I always drew a blank. But a series of fateful events and a jolt of maturity later, I have to grasp some bits and pieces of knowledge in the regard and the same I wish to pass onto you, my readers.

Life is difficult, we all know it. Life is cruel, we all have experienced it. But we also know that life is forgiving and that life will always give a second chance to us, to redeem ourselves. And yes, life will always be just even if it seems awfully unfair at the moment. Life is always come-around-full-circle.

We must persevere through the tough times and aim to flourish when the time is right. It is with this belief that we all wake up every morning. It is with this hope we sleep every night, not knowing whether we will get up the next day or not. But we survive each day, each night and become stronger. Life is nothing but this. A survival game that is testing us at the tough levels and will become easier when we become acquainted with its vagaries. It is at this moment that life like any other game will prompt us to increase the difficulty level and it is at this point that we have to choose, easy or rewarding?

Do we want different ends but with the same beginnings?

Oh Sweet Revenge!

Advises ignored. Conversations neglected. Warnings shunned. But you know life is governed by the circle of Karma. You reap what you shall sow.

So here I am writing this, sitting at the cusp of revenge. A revenge- not engineered by me nor instrumented by me. But a revenge that is the cause of implosion, exactly like I had replayed in my mind several times over when that fateful day happened. I was quiet then and I am quiet now but this smirk that lights the corner of my lips is an enough indication that I am happy, gleeful rather. Cold revenge, delivered! And the best part? I didn’t even have to break a sweat.

Life is sorted and such a backtrack has happened on the events. The aggressor has now become the victim, there was a time not too long ago when my tears fueled someone’s laughter, when my pain was the basis for their joy. But now? Oh no! I am stable and in the best phases of my life and them? In pain and disharmony. To be fair, I saw this coming. As a Samaritan, I even called it out before all the ruckus happened that this was inevitable but did they listen to me? No. And so the penance must be paid in full.

Life is sweet and revenge is it’s marquee desert.

Let’s burn to ashes

They say one should never hold onto the past because it is bound to give us bad memories and bring to the fore things that once gave us pain. I never used to adhere to this adage but off late I have come to accept this saying more and more. Why? you might ask.

Well the situation is fairly black and white, it is no new thing for the readers of this blog that I had a breakup recently. But I had always though of her as a friend and someone I would be there for even after she brutally cheated on me. I had thought that a relation that spanned nearly a decade deserved at least a fitting end if not a dream-come-true. But boy was I wrong! The person I once was madly in love with was dead way back, the person that broke up with me was someone totally different.

My only qualm with this entire ordeal is that because of her I have lost hope in humanity itself and in the goodness of people. For me people always meant way more than any other thing in this world but her actions make me doubt the very fabric of humanity itself. But God knows how to do his own balancing act. When she went I got someone who really valued me for me and not for the things I did. And this motivates me to give this beautiful person the best version of me. The real me and show her my true form. Hence, let’s burn to ashes to rise again and be reborn as the person I was once was and always was meant to be.

What troubles me is that how could my Ex do all those things. Calling me and telling me she misses me but at the same time use words that I taught her, nicknames I used to call her, for someone else as if they never meant a single thing to her. How could she talk about adultery and the lewd things in life with the person she cheated on me with, all the while I cried my lungs out? How could she? Where is humanity? After all I did for her all I wanted was for some humanity in return but no! Today I realized something I should have realized long time back. She didn’t deserve me then and doesn’t deserve me now! And therefore, today I close a chapter of my life for good. Because the more I stay the more I’ll know and I do not fear that I’ll hate her but I fear becoming cynical about humanity at large.

So consider this an ode of sorts, a good-bye note if you may. I am done. No more nice guy.

Stares, Synergy and A Secret

Pull me closer, Aryan. Make me yours. “Whose are you, Urvashi?” Yours. For and forever.

As the clouds roared outside, the tiny droplets of rain coagulated on the window to form a larger body of water rushing towards it’s peril, engulfing whatever came in it’s path. A behemoth hellbent on destruction.
A lightning later, Aryan was jolted up from his sleep. shaken.

Another night, another sleepless night.

Aryan was strong not because he was brought up this way but because time had made him numb to trials and tribulations. Life was cruel and Aryan had become cold. A frigid soul residing in an empty body. Lifeless.
But these days he was feeling a new found warmth, no it wasn’t the heat outside but the heat within that was calling out Aryan’s inner child. A child he had brutally forgotten these past few months, a child that had once driven Aryan’s dream of a Utopian life now lay unattended. This very child now suddenly had a new lease of life. Why? Aryan didn’t know the answer nor did he want to know. He felt good.

The usual routine meant that it was now time for office. Aryan got ready, the same uncaring way he had done these past few months, not like anyone was looking. One hour and several painful thoughts later Aryan reached office. The ride to office was painful, not because of the traffic but because it was empty and Aryan had time to think. A time that Aryan dread because it flew him back to the betrayal.

Did you sleep with him? Yes, I did. Urvashi, how could you? Didn’t you remember me? Listen, Aryan! This is literally none of your business. I can have sex with him as much as I want, I can bloody well make his babies!

Babies…Aryan loved them. He had always dreamed of having one of his own. Something that had once excited him now gave him immense pain not because of the nature of the act itself but because now an uncouth memory had associated itself with it, perforce.

Today office was a bit different. There was something in the air that was pulling Aryan towards the vortex of uncertainty. Aryan had forgotten whether his body was capable of handling such a range of emotions.. He had basically lost the hope of something exciting to look forward too. But today was different.

She looked perfect. Her hair, her eyes- Apoorva. Little did Aryan know that this name would bring about so many changes in his life,

They say work is worship and Aryan has firmly believed in this tenet ever since he came of age. Putting his all in his work, didn’t make his realise how time had passed in office. One commit and an angry Rashmi later, Aryan saw himself standing in the balcony with Rashmi and Apoorva. As usual, Rashmi went about herself and her problems- trivial thought Aryan. Rashmi was a little child who needed constant attention.

Soon Rashmi departed and it was just the two of them, alone and an awkward space separated the two of them. Aryan felt strange. A very strange urge to speak to her came over Aryan and he initiated the conversation.

Trust is a very funny thing. It bonds. Trust is bestowed easily but earned after a lot of effort. Aryan wanted to trust her and as always didn’t think before doing it.

“Apoorva, you’re a nice person” , “Thanks Aryan!”. “There is something I would like to tell you”, said Aryan. “Go ahead na! I’d love to hear it, I’d also like to tell you something.”

Two secrets shared, eyes met. Love happened.