Distance

You know what the toughest part of loving someone is? The distance. The same distance that evokes such strong emotions and the time same time reminds you that you can’t see the recipient of those emotions.

It’s tough, you know? Pretending day in and out that things will be fine while everyday that passes is a battle. It’s excruciating because you are the anchor that needs to hold the ship in place but what do you do when your own life is Titanic? Now my sweet Mother always tells me Que Sera Sera…Whatever shall be, will be. You can’t fight that can you? But the heart wants what it wants. There is a tipping point when you know that you can’t take it anymore. The distance maims, it paralyses and all you can do is sit back and watch the show, watch the force as it pierces the fabric of life and distorts whatever fairy land you concocted as reality.

Now I don’t wish to sound pessimistic and this may not be what you can read today but the dire nature of the situation calls for such a post. It’s grim out there folks. People are dying and their lives are amounting to nothing. So I thought it would be the right time to lay this out in front of everyone who is reading this. Go out there, bridge that distance. Rekindle that lost passion, patch up that fissured relationship. Make amends, people. Seize the day and gain control of your life because you never know it might be too late.

See situations like these remind us that we are insignificant when it comes to larger scheme of things. Me and you? We don’t mean too much faced with the wrath of nature but what we are not is servants to fate. We might not be capable enough to choose our beginning but we sure as hell can choose to how we go out. Whether the light at the end of our tunnel burns amber or crimson is up to us. We might be able to choose our beginning but we can choose our ends.

We might not be capable enough to choose our beginning but we sure as hell can choose to how we go out!

So I implore each and everyone out there reading this. Tell your partner how much you love them, learn that thing you’ve been wanting to learn, have that adventure you’ve been postponing. And yes, right now we might be bounded by a lockdown, quarantine or our better judgement but please do not forget the promises we make to ourselves during this time. We ,as humans, are notorious when it comes to forgetting promises made under duress. But I demand that we not forget the ones that we make to ourselves. Let’s not fool ourselves and go back to the error of our ways. Let’s rise like the phoenix, let’s all take the new normal as a lease of a brand-new life. Let’s recreate, rebuild and make the most of the what we have.

Bridge that distance.

Mungaru Male

Being in Bengaluru has its own effect, right? So what does the title really mean? It’s not about what its literal meaning but the range of emotions it evokes. The morning dew, the first rain of Monsoon, the sweet smell of petrichor all bring to mind love and life.

When you need someone so much in your life that their importance becomes tantamount to the first rain which is eagerly craved by the parched Earth. The need for the first cold breeze on a hot summer day. Mungaru Male, like the first rain, the person becomes the first and most important person in your life.

Does such love actually exist? Stuff that we read about in novels or watch in movies? Can such a fairytale ever manifest into a reality? Well, it can and the circumstances are weird at best. The road is never easy, there is wait, there is longing but the wait is justified by the end just like Mungaru Male. I too have been blessed with such a life and such a partner. She is as pure as the first monsoon, cleansing and purifying all that she touches. Quenching the thirst for care and concern of everyone she touches but I know she is headed for my farm where her touch will weave magic and bear fruit, I know she is destined to wash away my shortcomings and purify me as well just like Mungaru Male.

Her presence completes me and completes my circle of life, all the seasons of this life and she is the one I want to spend all the seasons with. The raindrops falling on my tired skin reminds me of her soothing touch and her magical powers to heal not just physical problems but also fix the one that nobody else can see. That is she- my Mungaru Male!

I wish that everyone meets someone like her in their lives as well so that they too may experience the joy of the first rain, so that they too can let go and spread their winds just like a peacock does. So they too can enjoy and live a happy life. So that they too can enjoy Mungaru Male!.

Stay strong and love freely. Let it rain!

Doubt

Sometimes in life we are plagued with doubt about the future. Sometimes in life we are troubled with the thought of tomorrow. Sometimes in life we are scared with the remembrance of our past. This trepidation, this fear is all the holy giving of one and only one sentiment- Doubt.

Doubt is a lethal poison that nearly always proves fatal. The truth is that doubt eats away slowly at our best moments crippling us in the process, making us incapable of loving and cherishing the moments we have today. Sadly, faith is losing the war and doubt is headed towards a triumphant victory. But what we tend to forget that all that we do when captive in doubt is brood over what can happen and cry over what has happened.

It is at this time that we must show faith in our Acropolis. Everyone has one. A caring mother? A loving partner? A faithful dog? It could be anyone but faith is the key.

Doubt kills and faith restores, all we have to do is close our eyes and wait for it to pass and as my mother always tells me: This too shall pass, son.

Pass it will. Enjoy what you have now and leave the future to your better judgement and to your Acropolis. The energy will fix everything and if you truly want something, trust me someone out there is listening and your wish shall come true not because of divine intervention but because when we desperately want something so much then we do everything we can to hold it in our grasp and never let go. Have faith and don’t doubt yourself. You were better than you were yesterday and things are looking up. Be bright and believe.

Care, Caress and A Car

Ever since Aryan had heard her secret, there was something different he was feeling. Not that Aryan pitied her or anything – he himself had seen way too much in his life to pity something like this, to pity a choice that Apoorva had consciously taken but her aura had a different chi.

Her energy reminded Aryan of his own. An energy that once drove Aryan but the vagaries of had forced Aryan to block that bubbling force out. But her, she was different. Her strength and her accompanying smile perplexed Aryan. She stood as an enigma, one that Aryan was hellbent on solving but how? The journey from knowing her secret and possibly gaining her trust to making her his was a long one, filled with pitfalls and challenges. The biggest hurdle? Apoorva, herself.

Loneliness does do a number on us. As Aryan lay on his bed in a dark room with Wham! playing in the background and a bottle of his trusted Old Monk by his bedside, he thought – What if? What if she becomes mine? What if I am able to see her true self and experience it first hand. The enigma, the exhilaration was driving him crazy. Friends? Aryan wanted more and he knew it. They say lust and love work in tandem, while Aryan was mesmerized by her thoughts and her attitude, her body…that was a different ball game altogether. She fit right into Aryan’s concocted choice pool. Most guys went after the adage bigger the better but not Aryan. For him, his partner needed to fit right into his hand, the nubile nature of the body to envelope Aryan’s soul, curves that would put an hourglass to shame and Aryan had found her- Apoorva, a barbie in reality.

He decided to start chatting her up and getting to know her more because if Aryan had realized one thing over time it was that love cannot be forced. it just happens. Conversations flowed, about love, life, marriage, food- the entire spectrum. And as far as Aryan is concerned- there was hope! Even though Apoorva had clearly stated that she had friendzoned him, Aryan was a fighter.

“Aryan, I really like talking to you”
“The pleasure is all mine, Apoorva”
“Umm…I know this is a bit forward…but can I accompany to your place?, just the car ride- we can chat more”
“Sure, I don’t mind!”

Aryan did this not because he wanted to be close to her, he did but that’s not the point. He cared for her! He wanted to watch over her because if there is one thing that Aryan realized it was that beneath that rock solid exterior was a child, that needed love and care and Aryan for once felt what he had felt several years ago, a feeling to be her Acropolis and protect her from harm. These thoughts were playing frisbee in his mind when Apoorva called out- “Aryan, let’s go!”

The car journey was fun, they listened to songs together and got to know each other a bit more but then something happened. A surge of current went up Aryan’s spine and he did something he thought he would never do, he placed his hand over hers on the gearbox! And such was fate, Apoorva agreed, she flinched when Aryan did that. Not the bad kind but the one in which each neuron of your body responds, one in which your timid soul takes a leap.

That car journey proved to be the ice breaker that Aryan needed and as Aryan got out of the car he looked up at the moonless sky and thought to himself – Mum was right, partners are truly a godsend, no matter how much effort you put in or not, if it needs to happen it will.

Courage To Dream: Lies Unchained

An abused wife, a traumatized daughter, a depressed mother? What is the cost of dreaming? What does it take to have the courage to dream? Is one supposed to live a lie and a half life and not dream of something complete? Many times in life God gives us a chance to dream and change our lives the way we see it and it is at this point, we have to choose to either live the rut we are living or branch out dream, to suffer silently or have the courage to dream.

“So you’re always honest,” I said.
“Aren’t you?”
“No,” I told him. “I’m not.”
“Well, that’s good to know, I guess.”
“I’m not saying I’m a liar,” I told him. He raised his eyebrows. “That’s not how I meant it, anyways.”
“How’d you mean it, then?”
“I just…I don’t always say what I feel.”
“Why not?”
“Because the truth sometimes hurts,” I said.
“Yeah,” he said. “So do lies, though.”
Sarah Dessen, Just Listen

The Anatomy Of A Lie

A lie, though might seem harmless to you, can wreck havoc in someone’s life. Not because the lie was big or a gamechanger but because the cost of trust is very high and the person that trusted you probably will never be able to do so again. The cost of belief is one that we cannot repay. A lie is based out of a single understanding that people can be fooled and this understanding itself is fueled by sheer overconfidence over one’s ability to convince but what a liar forgets is that the greatest empires have fallen on the backs of perceived reality. It is this perceived reality that causes a liar to feel that nothing can go wrong in his plan and that he will get away with it.

There are several reasons why people tell lies: to protect themselves from punishment or embarrassment, to protect their own fantasies about themselves, and to protect the feelings – or, in extreme cases, the lives – of others regardless of the purpose, “the desire to assume control over another human heart is the basis of most human lies”

Ordinary language is an accretion of lies
Susan Sontag

The language of literature must be, therefore, the language of transgression, a rupture of individual systems, a shattering of psychic oppression.

Unlike in literature, however, lies in life create rather than shatter “psychic oppression” — especially in a culture where the deadly fear of being wrong drives an exponential tragedy of cover-up lies after even the most benign of errors, a culture that then takes noxiously gruesome pleasure in devouring its fallen stars with far too little intelligent reflection.

The Impact Of A Lie

Trust broken, love forgotten, joy mortgaged but most of all- a soul sold! The impact of a single lie can be life threatening and this effect is accentuated if the other person trusts you blindly. Imagine, your partner lies to you that they are straight but when a holy union is solemnized the truth surfaces. What does the victim do then? The lie that was thrust into the face of the partner hit like a rocket at the speed of light. That feeling in itself can be soul shattering but how does the partner cope up now under the pressure and shadow of such a lie, can that person ever trust again? Well, they must! They must have the courage to dream because while the impact of a lie might seem life ending it is nowhere as profound as the impact of a good memory, a good memory is worth a thousand lies combined.

The person must replace the lie with a positive memory, this in itself is called positive psychotic reinforcement. But now the question arises, should the lie be forgotten?

I could easily forgive his pride, if he had not mortified mine
Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice

Should we forget?

No. This is the simplest answer I can give but to be fair there are more layers to this answer than a simple no.

We must fight for what is right because that is true redemption, sometimes certain lies are so profound and life changing that only revenge can soothe our souls. Now I know some people might disagree with me by saying that to forgive is divine but the truth is most of us are not divine. We are humans and we feel emotions. We feel betrayed, we feel loved, we feel ignored. We cry. And revenge alone can pay the price of these tears.

Now I am not a proponent of revenge but I stand firmly behind getting what belongs to you and if in the course of living a lie perpetuated by someone close to you, you end up spending some resource then we have to claim it back! Monetary? Get it! Emotional? Absolve! Both kinds of resources should be claimed back and only then can we expect to be set free truly.

So, don’t be a silent sufferer. Unchain the lies and have the courage to dream. Fight till you feel better not on the outside but on the inside!

Let’s Handle It!

Let’s face it people, love handles aren’t great, especially if you’re a 20 something youngster who has his entire life ahead of himself. The worst bit is that not only do these love handles look ugly as fuck, they are also precursors to an impending ailing future riddled with health issues.

So yeah, like every other nerd engaged in the software industry, I too found myself fat and ugly. The body shaming was subtle but painful. The camouflaged taunts ripped my soul apart. The decision had to be taken. Now let me call this out at the onset itself, I am not a fitness Guru nor am I ripped. I am fat.

But what I wish to share with the readers of the blog is my journey. I want you guys to be a part of this journey as I sojourn into the unknown and try to do the unthinkable. Trying to achieve something that nobody believes I can. Be fit. Now, I am not one of those self aware and fulfilled guys, I want to lose weight and have muscle to show for it. I don’t conform to the fit inside ideology, I want to be ripped.

You know the funny part? Standing at around 90 Kgs, not many people think I can do this but I have to for some people in my life that believe in me. I want to do this for them. Loyal readers of this blog know that I tried embarking on this journey earlier this year but failed miserably. Why? Because the motivator of that effort was agony, grief and at the core, hatred. We all know negative emotions are short lived and so is the motivation born out of it. Hence, this time I am motivated positively and will achieve this feat no matter what happens. It’s now or never for me.

I will be posting updates about my journey, be it scale or non-scale victories.

The Cost Of Love

“It is better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for what you are not.”
Andre Gide, Autumn Leaves

What is the cost of love? When does love become Pyrrhic victory, when does love stop ceasing to be carefree and relaxed and becomes a toll on both parties? When does the cost of love outweigh the benefits?

This question probably will never have an answer, since such is the intoxicating nature of this emotion that we never tend to see the other side of the coin, we ignore the red flags and continue on the path which would surely lead us to certain doom. But the point that bothers me the most, when does love start doubting it’s own existence, when does the cost of love become so high that love itself starts questioning it’s relevance?

The perfect relationship? Timing + communication x mutual attraction – emotional baggage = intimacy

Emotional baggage can be in several forms of commonly found emotions

What I want my learned readers to focus on is the last bit of the LHS. Emotional Baggage. This devastating rogue can disguise itself as memories and seem harmless, this can masquerade as experience but the truth is emotional baggage is never healthy and it is this parameter that pushes the cost of love beyond an acceptable number, where love itself becomes a loss making proposition.

Trust. Yes, trust is the most important aspect of one’s life. If you trust your partner and believe in them then there can be no external factor that can control the profitability of your relationship and you can convert this asset into a priceless one. Trust is that insurance policy that will always ensure that your investment viz. your feelings, efforts and emotions are safe. It will ensure that whatever you put into love gets doubled. And trust me this is no Ponzi scheme, it is the truth.

My readers know that I came out of a long term relationship and if that time has taught me one thing, it is simply trust. Now I was betrayed but does that I mean stop trusting? No! One failed stock doesn’t mark the stock market as failed. One bad instance should not force you to compare. Give your all and you shall reap the benefits, that’s a promise!

Trust is the cornerstone of every relationship

So trust your relationship, trust your partner and see your costs drop and profits increase. Your paycheque? A lifetime of peace and happiness!

But most of all, Trust yourself! Spread love and spread happiness. Let’s all be rich!

Different Ends. Same Beginnings.

Have you ever wondered what is the meaning of life?
Have you ever wondered what is the purpose of life?
Have you ever wondered what is the goal of life?

I, too have, spent endless hours trying to figure out the answers to the above mentioned questions but I always drew a blank. But a series of fateful events and a jolt of maturity later, I have to grasp some bits and pieces of knowledge in the regard and the same I wish to pass onto you, my readers.

Life is difficult, we all know it. Life is cruel, we all have experienced it. But we also know that life is forgiving and that life will always give a second chance to us, to redeem ourselves. And yes, life will always be just even if it seems awfully unfair at the moment. Life is always come-around-full-circle.

We must persevere through the tough times and aim to flourish when the time is right. It is with this belief that we all wake up every morning. It is with this hope we sleep every night, not knowing whether we will get up the next day or not. But we survive each day, each night and become stronger. Life is nothing but this. A survival game that is testing us at the tough levels and will become easier when we become acquainted with its vagaries. It is at this moment that life like any other game will prompt us to increase the difficulty level and it is at this point that we have to choose, easy or rewarding?

Do we want different ends but with the same beginnings?

Oh Sweet Revenge!

Advises ignored. Conversations neglected. Warnings shunned. But you know life is governed by the circle of Karma. You reap what you shall sow.

So here I am writing this, sitting at the cusp of revenge. A revenge- not engineered by me nor instrumented by me. But a revenge that is the cause of implosion, exactly like I had replayed in my mind several times over when that fateful day happened. I was quiet then and I am quiet now but this smirk that lights the corner of my lips is an enough indication that I am happy, gleeful rather. Cold revenge, delivered! And the best part? I didn’t even have to break a sweat.

Life is sorted and such a backtrack has happened on the events. The aggressor has now become the victim, there was a time not too long ago when my tears fueled someone’s laughter, when my pain was the basis for their joy. But now? Oh no! I am stable and in the best phases of my life and them? In pain and disharmony. To be fair, I saw this coming. As a Samaritan, I even called it out before all the ruckus happened that this was inevitable but did they listen to me? No. And so the penance must be paid in full.

Life is sweet and revenge is it’s marquee desert.

Let’s burn to ashes

They say one should never hold onto the past because it is bound to give us bad memories and bring to the fore things that once gave us pain. I never used to adhere to this adage but off late I have come to accept this saying more and more. Why? you might ask.

Well the situation is fairly black and white, it is no new thing for the readers of this blog that I had a breakup recently. But I had always though of her as a friend and someone I would be there for even after she brutally cheated on me. I had thought that a relation that spanned nearly a decade deserved at least a fitting end if not a dream-come-true. But boy was I wrong! The person I once was madly in love with was dead way back, the person that broke up with me was someone totally different.

My only qualm with this entire ordeal is that because of her I have lost hope in humanity itself and in the goodness of people. For me people always meant way more than any other thing in this world but her actions make me doubt the very fabric of humanity itself. But God knows how to do his own balancing act. When she went I got someone who really valued me for me and not for the things I did. And this motivates me to give this beautiful person the best version of me. The real me and show her my true form. Hence, let’s burn to ashes to rise again and be reborn as the person I was once was and always was meant to be.

What troubles me is that how could my Ex do all those things. Calling me and telling me she misses me but at the same time use words that I taught her, nicknames I used to call her, for someone else as if they never meant a single thing to her. How could she talk about adultery and the lewd things in life with the person she cheated on me with, all the while I cried my lungs out? How could she? Where is humanity? After all I did for her all I wanted was for some humanity in return but no! Today I realized something I should have realized long time back. She didn’t deserve me then and doesn’t deserve me now! And therefore, today I close a chapter of my life for good. Because the more I stay the more I’ll know and I do not fear that I’ll hate her but I fear becoming cynical about humanity at large.

So consider this an ode of sorts, a good-bye note if you may. I am done. No more nice guy.