Mungaru Male

Being in Bengaluru has its own effect, right? So what does the title really mean? It’s not about what its literal meaning but the range of emotions it evokes. The morning dew, the first rain of Monsoon, the sweet smell of petrichor all bring to mind love and life.

When you need someone so much in your life that their importance becomes tantamount to the first rain which is eagerly craved by the parched Earth. The need for the first cold breeze on a hot summer day. Mungaru Male, like the first rain, the person becomes the first and most important person in your life.

Does such love actually exist? Stuff that we read about in novels or watch in movies? Can such a fairytale ever manifest into a reality? Well, it can and the circumstances are weird at best. The road is never easy, there is wait, there is longing but the wait is justified by the end just like Mungaru Male. I too have been blessed with such a life and such a partner. She is as pure as the first monsoon, cleansing and purifying all that she touches. Quenching the thirst for care and concern of everyone she touches but I know she is headed for my farm where her touch will weave magic and bear fruit, I know she is destined to wash away my shortcomings and purify me as well just like Mungaru Male.

Her presence completes me and completes my circle of life, all the seasons of this life and she is the one I want to spend all the seasons with. The raindrops falling on my tired skin reminds me of her soothing touch and her magical powers to heal not just physical problems but also fix the one that nobody else can see. That is she- my Mungaru Male!

I wish that everyone meets someone like her in their lives as well so that they too may experience the joy of the first rain, so that they too can let go and spread their winds just like a peacock does. So they too can enjoy and live a happy life. So that they too can enjoy Mungaru Male!.

Stay strong and love freely. Let it rain!

The Cost Of Love

“It is better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for what you are not.”

Andre Gide, Autumn Leaves

What is the cost of love? When does love become Pyrrhic victory, when does love stop ceasing to be carefree and relaxed and becomes a toll on both parties? When does the cost of love outweigh the benefits?

This question probably will never have an answer, since such is the intoxicating nature of this emotion that we never tend to see the other side of the coin, we ignore the red flags and continue on the path which would surely lead us to certain doom. But the point that bothers me the most, when does love start doubting it’s own existence, when does the cost of love become so high that love itself starts questioning it’s relevance?

The perfect relationship? Timing + communication x mutual attraction – emotional baggage = intimacy

Emotional baggage can be in several forms of commonly found emotions

What I want my learned readers to focus on is the last bit of the LHS. Emotional Baggage. This devastating rogue can disguise itself as memories and seem harmless, this can masquerade as experience but the truth is emotional baggage is never healthy and it is this parameter that pushes the cost of love beyond an acceptable number, where love itself becomes a loss making proposition.

Trust. Yes, trust is the most important aspect of one’s life. If you trust your partner and believe in them then there can be no external factor that can control the profitability of your relationship and you can convert this asset into a priceless one. Trust is that insurance policy that will always ensure that your investment viz. your feelings, efforts and emotions are safe. It will ensure that whatever you put into love gets doubled. And trust me this is no Ponzi scheme, it is the truth.

My readers know that I came out of a long term relationship and if that time has taught me one thing, it is simply trust. Now I was betrayed but does that I mean stop trusting? No! One failed stock doesn’t mark the stock market as failed. One bad instance should not force you to compare. Give your all and you shall reap the benefits, that’s a promise!

Trust is the cornerstone of every relationship

So trust your relationship, trust your partner and see your costs drop and profits increase. Your paycheque? A lifetime of peace and happiness!

But most of all, Trust yourself! Spread love and spread happiness. Let’s all be rich!

Oh Sweet Revenge!

Advises ignored. Conversations neglected. Warnings shunned. But you know life is governed by the circle of Karma. You reap what you shall sow.

So here I am writing this, sitting at the cusp of revenge. A revenge- not engineered by me nor instrumented by me. But a revenge that is the cause of implosion, exactly like I had replayed in my mind several times over when that fateful day happened. I was quiet then and I am quiet now but this smirk that lights the corner of my lips is an enough indication that I am happy, gleeful rather. Cold revenge, delivered! And the best part? I didn’t even have to break a sweat.

Life is sorted and such a backtrack has happened on the events. The aggressor has now become the victim, there was a time not too long ago when my tears fueled someone’s laughter, when my pain was the basis for their joy. But now? Oh no! I am stable and in the best phases of my life and them? In pain and disharmony. To be fair, I saw this coming. As a Samaritan, I even called it out before all the ruckus happened that this was inevitable but did they listen to me? No. And so the penance must be paid in full.

Life is sweet and revenge is it’s marquee desert.

The Last Gift

A book. They say a book tells us a story, a story that otherwise we might not be able to live. It makes us travel to a world of fantasy and desires. It does so by embracing in the enigma of it’s world and covering us with the comfort of our own little space.

But what if that very book marks the end of an era? What if that book spells the end beginning of the end. What if that books puts a stopper to all that you held dear? Does a book still light up your desire? Does it still provide wind to your dreams? Or does it get reduced to a weapon of the devil? What meaning does a book hold if it becomes the last gift? Something that is a source of joy for so many, how does one react when it’s every page reeks of pain and remorse? How does one react when every page that you flip reminds of things that could have been and are not anymore? What if every syllable reminds of the moments that could have been? A book can bring so much pain.

The last gift, consuming you with memories and wants. The last gift- of pain.

The Trap Of Love

It is true that love is the strongest feeling out there. A feeling that entices and mesmerises, a feeling that causes are brain to release neurons like it’s stoppage time.

The Oxytocin makes us go crazy. But you know the truth? Often we promise love and don’t really mean it. Often, we promise a lifetime of togetherness but don’t really mean it. Often, we swear on each other but shake hands with Satan behind their backs.

Why has love become so trivial? Even love, like everything else, has moved from Kantianism to Utilitarianism. No longer are people treated as the end but rather are treated simply as means to satisfy personal interests. Like the shrinking social structure, morality has also become nuclear in nature. No longer do people consider multiple facets before taking a decision, the focus is now on self satisfaction. While I appreciate this change, the freedom associated with it troubles me. People now treat other people just as ladders, as temporary engagements servicing a larger goal. This trend is alarming because it is slowly changing are existing relationships to mere capitalistic exchanges of the barter system.

People now trade feelings and emotions. Physical touch and closeness has now been pushed to the periphery where its importance has been reduced to mere nothingness- an activity that holds meaning for the limited minutes it lasts for. My only worry is what happened to all the lovely moments of love and passion, what happened to everything before and the cute after? The fast paced nature of how relationships are progressing begs only a single question- Is it the trap of love?

True love is elusive and it’s beautiful. Is Cupid playing mind games? Diverting us away from the right path and into the dark by-lanes of Hades? Is everyone’s fate is of Hephaestus?

At this juncture, I wonder. Will an old-school like me find true love? Will I find someone who cares for me the way I would care for them? Will I find someone for whom my physical appearance would matter less than my heart. Someone who would value my care rather than my career. Someone who would desire my soul rather than my success. Will I ever find someone like this in this rotting world where even relationships now have an expiry date?

I will not surrender for I am a firm believer. I will keep trodding along and believing in justice of the almighty. My time will come. If you’re reading this, I will find you 🙂

Your Sun Kissed Face..

As I close my eyes, a shadow appears amidst the darkness,
A shadow with a sparkling aura and a heavenly dress.
Enrapturing my soul and captivating my mind,
That momentary experience is surreal, one of it’s kind.

I do not wish to open my eyes and face the reality,
In that shadow, I want to set myself free!
Most will not understand this feeling,
Or the peace and happiness it does bring.

I wish I could explain what I think,
Or why I push myself to the brink.
But as I focus further the shadow has wings,
As the shadow decides to fly away, it stings!

The pain is too much to handle for I know there might be no coming back,
All I wish from the almighty is to give me the strength to get back on track.
The shadow once was my strength and I wish the same once again,
To remember the good times and not get crippled with the pain!

I might sound morose and appear fallen from grace,
But how do I forget the sun kissed face?
How do I fill the gaping hole? This empty space?
How do I stop loving the sun kissed face?

The Clarion Call

They say love is eternal. Is it? They say people are always the same. Are they? The crossroads at which life has put me today, makes me ask a question to each and everyone out there- Is love real?

To be honest, these past few days have been the worst for me. I have seen the worst of humanity coming from the closest of people, ones that I considered my heart and soul. People that have been my heartbeat have shown me their true colors but you know what makes me even more morose? The fact that I still have hope in their humanity. I still feel that they will realize the colossal mistake that their are about to commit. The very same people that I still have hope for have disrespected me, treated me like trash- the very people that I have cared for and kept their wishes above mine. Has the world become so self centered and cruel?

To be fair, I know they are are following what their heart is telling them but sometimes the heart wavers and doesn’t show you the right path. Sometimes the heart is clouded by feelings that will not do us any good. I believe in the adage of following one’s heart but should one follow the heart when a well-wisher is screaming at you that the step you are about to take will lead you to the path of sadness and destruction. Is choice such a rigid part of one’s character that one is ready to risk their well-being and embrace peril?

Now comes the question of morality and ethics, do they come so cheap? At one end you have someone who has given you their breath and sweat and always worked towards your happiness and at the other end of this grim spectrum stands a character being masked with lust, want and desire. Is lust more powerful than love? Has the battle finally been lost and love has lost? Our thoughts written in concrete? Can thoughts and emotions not be controlled? I ask you this, Lord, is the world so shallow and plastic?
Yes, I know that I have no right to question the morality or choices that one makes but should I just stand beside the person and see them jump into a pool of lava, can they not see that what they perceive as unicorns and rainbows is actually a deathtrap full of lies, deception and tears?

I still have hope, is that a weakness? I still believe that they will come around and reason the right from the wrong and take the right call but what if they don’t? This gut wrenching feeling is what kills me inside. How can sentiments and emotions be so cheap? Is it all about one’s own likes and wants. What about the synergy of this mortal world. There has to be a balance that needs to be maintained.
I know I have follies and the only weapon I have are these words and nothing more. I know those people will still call me a keyboard warrior and weak of spine but I wish they could for once step into my shoes and experience what I am living right now and only then try to reason what I am doing as right or irrational.

I know I am acting weak at this juncture by calling them out like this but is it too much too ask to consider the time gone by? Is it too much to ask to reason and deliberate as to what must be done. While I fully understand, there is no right and wrong in matters of the heart but we must reason. Not every cocoon that our heart bears should be allowed to transform into a butterfly. Who knows that cocoon might harbor demons we might not be able to handle. Is desire and want so strong that the Pandora’s box must be opened again. We all know how that ended.

Reason. Listen. There is a lot more to this life and world than a mere impulse

A Place For Good People?

A Place For Good People

Ever so often, I ask myself- Is there a place for people like me? And each time the answer is the same. Something I still haven’t fully been able to fathom or decipher but still hurts every time, every f***ing time.

I am frustrated beyond measure, having to beg people for attention and to be treated the same way as I treat them- with love and care but such is the irony of life that this exact harmless thing is the toughest to come by. I have nurtured every relationship with love, passion and care- only for it to walk out on me. I have tried to hold to even toxic relationships till the last fabric decays right in the grasp of my palm. Some say I do this because I am emotionally damaged. Am I? Is my incessant need to keep people around me happy an emotional disorder? Am I crippled by my own goodness?

I have had friends tell me right to my face that they are selfish and will do as they please and fancy and yet I trod on along the same path- of unconditional love and loyal friendship. This emotional firefighting leaves me drained and destroyed from within, the destruction which nobody can see, let alone fix. Am I not entitled to my fair share of love? Being rejected on a daily basis by my loved ones for even the smallest of desires has now become a marquee event in my life. Where have the ideals of sacrifice and love gone? It feels like I have been left one time-warp behind the rest of the people that I now walk toe to toe with.

I too sometimes wish that I had my princess in pearl white, that I find my knight in shining armour. Isn’t there is a place for good people? Or have we decayed the emotional fabric of this world so much that the only inhabitants of this wretched place can be evil people with no concern of regard for the emotions of others? I am confused and at the same time defeated. For once in my life, the light at the end of the tunnel is flickering and with each bout of pitch black robbing me of my soul- little by little. Each lonely breath that I draw takes away a little of my goodness away- as if the gravedigger is busy preparing his masterpiece, a prison for the mortal remains of a soul that would be trapped for centuries to come and be a testament of another battle that humanity lost. Another battle that materialism won, another battle spearheaded by selfishness and adultery, another battle orchestrated by the devil himself.

I am sorry that this rant has become so long but I had to vent this out somewhere and the only place and trick I know is through this blog and words. This article will rot in the vast expanse of the internet as my testimony-

I tried finding a place for good people but lost.

Crimson: A Poem About Victory and Hope

Rape. The thought of something so heinous and life changing sends chills down my spine but as I write this it gives me pleasure because while Rape can change your exterior but it cannot mar the soul, it cannot destroy hope.

This poem is a humble attempt to emphasize that life is about hope, life is about fighting back. Life is about ignoring the verisimilitude and embracing the real truth.