The Pleasure of Uncertainty

The wheels of time churn on and the future seems uncertain. The hour glass is ruthless and the sand fleeting yet the twinkle in the eyes refuses to fade away, refuses to give in to the brutal reality that is the present.

Hourglass-shutterstock_208770109-e1440429398143.jpg

Even under this onslaught the confidence isn’t dwindling, I can manage to see the light at the end of the tunnel but the light that once was lambent now dons the blush of a nubile, newly wed.
To be honest, the future is uncertain, no one knows what is going to happen tomorrow but as I step onto the next major phase of life, I can’t help but notice not what all I have accomplished but the sheer amount I have lost. Friends forgotten, opportunities occluded, love lost. But I can’t deny the fact that how much I have grown as a person, from a brazen yet incapable seedling into a virtuoso yet humble tree, bending in front of opportunities and pardoning those that trample on it’s leaves.

But what I have gained most of all is the patience, the capability to oversee the small mistakes and incidents for the sake of the larger good and be able to steer through the most testing of times. Times when even your loved ones put you on the stand and question your motives and scrutinize your actions.  But patience always has and will come at a price, a price that like ‘The Merchant’ is paid in blood and flesh.

merchant_of_venice-pound-of-flesh.jpg

But you know the silver lining? We, as men and women, are hardwired to be comfortable under such a duress. We find chaos intoxicating, we are inherently masochists- some are physical but most are emotional. Our biggest drug? The Pleasure of Uncertainty. 

Personally, I have taken decisions that have embroiled me in worry and want. Worry of the present and the want of a better tomorrow but the tragedy here is while I desire a better tomorrow, I cannot seem to muster the courage to sever the bonds of yesterday and forge the pathways to my El Dorado.

el-dorado-22

I am so comfortable in the cobwebs of the present that I seek joy in the pains of today, rationalizing the wrong and neglecting the right. Once again the pleasure of uncertainty drowns me deeper into the ocean of indecision and makes my knees weak and spine invisible.

What I ask you learned men and women out there, is it so difficult to let go off of the past and embrace the future? Is it so difficult to take control of one’s life and for once bank on surety rather than a blank slate, on reality rather than uncertainty and fantasy? 

Think about it.

How-we-work.jpg

 

Chaos.Darkness.Oblivion.Fear

This uncertain journey that I’ve set myself on is plagued with chaos and the fear of oblivion. Is it logical to forego a certain future for the promise of a better tomorrow? A promise that has so many bells and whistles that sometimes it becomes impossible for the average human mind to comprehend.
Yes, I am not a born genius, I do not have a Mensa worthy IQ yet I dare to dream. Yet I aim to crack one of the toughest exams in the world. Yes, you may think that I am crazy- you would not be wrong in doing so.
In such dark and uncertain times, sometimes my own flesh and blood doubts me.

I am confused as to whether this journey has an end, whether there is a light at the end of the tunnel. So much effort, hours of tireless effort, memories of which are now drowned in sweat and blood. But yet I cannot be confident of success.

Yes, this seems like a rant post but it’s one of the truest and most heartfelt posts I have ever made. This is the turmoil my mind is in right now. And there seems no definitive cure, just a promise. Hope of a dream coming true. A streak of light in an otherwise moonless night sky.

Sacrifices Must Be Made!

No dream is easy to achieve. It takes a lot of sweat and sacrifice to make it past the finish the line. To finish as a victor. But what is a goal that isn’t tough to achieve?

My dream demands a lot of sacrifice. A lot must be given up in order to emerge victorious. Am I prepared to give up so much? The comfort? The distractions? The easy today? But as my parents rightly say:

Enjoy now and repent later, Everyone must do their share of hardwork. It can only be delayed but not denied.

Therefore, I am ready to give it up today. I am ready to climb the mountain! But a lot of problems stand in my path chiefly being my own procrastination. I know I can achieve greatness but why can’t I execute what my mind tells me too? Why do my muscles have a mind of their own?!

But I will persevere, I will survive. One year, One chance. One Goal.

The woods are lovely, dark and deep,
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.
logo

Let’s Begin!

A lot has happened over the past few months. I have suffered academically, gained and lost so much. I shall elaborate what all actually elapsed in my life since November in later posts. But right now all I want to say is that I have suffered enough, lamented enough and lost a lot.

The setbacks have made me procrastinate my dream for long now. However, not anymore!

Today I shall begin. I shall seize this momentous occasion and plunge into the most exciting yet uncertain phase of my life- Civil Service Preparation.

It is no hidden fact that it’s been my childhood dream to be a civil servant, a member of the Indian Administrative Services. My passion had been somewhat lost in the maze of engineering submissions and deadlines but it took a single life changing moment to bring it all back and with renewed vigour!
A little boy on the road being scolded by his mother not for demanding a toy but for ‘not demanding one’. Not demanding a toy from strangers, for not begging well enough. This incident did not just bring to ears but also reignited the fire within me, the passion which lay dormant because of the fear of uncertainty and the seemingly insurmountable task i.e Civil Services Examination.

But I don’t want to look down upon my life 10 years later and think- this could have been different, I could have happier.

Then ofcourse, there is my lovely girlfriend. She isn’t just a girlfriend but a motivator- a constant support egging me forward, pushing me to break my own limitations! They say true and selfless companionship is hard to find, if so then I am lucky.

To be honest, I do not wish to rely on prayers and God for success. I bow before the Almighty everyday but not out of fear or greed but because I do not understand his nature or force. He is a mystery, I let him remain that way.

Effort is my only God and the list my only reward.

It starts today!

jjg