Let’s face it people, love handles aren’t great, especially if you’re a 20 something youngster who has his entire life ahead of himself. The worst bit is that not only do these love handles look ugly as fuck, they are also precursors to an impending ailing future riddled with health issues.
So yeah, like every other nerd engaged in the software industry, I too found myself fat and ugly. The body shaming was subtle but painful. The camouflaged taunts ripped my soul apart. The decision had to be taken. Now let me call this out at the onset itself, I am not a fitness Guru nor am I ripped. I am fat.
But what I wish to share with the readers of the blog is my journey. I want you guys to be a part of this journey as I sojourn into the unknown and try to do the unthinkable. Trying to achieve something that nobody believes I can. Be fit. Now, I am not one of those self aware and fulfilled guys, I want to lose weight and have muscle to show for it. I don’t conform to the fit inside ideology, I want to be ripped.
You know the funny part? Standing at around 90 Kgs, not many people think I can do this but I have to for some people in my life that believe in me. I want to do this for them. Loyal readers of this blog know that I tried embarking on this journey earlier this year but failed miserably. Why? Because the motivator of that effort was agony, grief and at the core, hatred. We all know negative emotions are short lived and so is the motivation born out of it. Hence, this time I am motivated positively and will achieve this feat no matter what happens. It’s now or never for me.
I will be posting updates about my journey, be it scale or non-scale victories.
They say one should never hold onto the past because it is bound to give us bad memories and bring to the fore things that once gave us pain. I never used to adhere to this adage but off late I have come to accept this saying more and more. Why? you might ask.
Well the situation is fairly black and white, it is no new thing for the readers of this blog that I had a breakup recently. But I had always though of her as a friend and someone I would be there for even after she brutally cheated on me. I had thought that a relation that spanned nearly a decade deserved at least a fitting end if not a dream-come-true. But boy was I wrong! The person I once was madly in love with was dead way back, the person that broke up with me was someone totally different.
My only qualm with this entire ordeal is that because of her I have lost hope in humanity itself and in the goodness of people. For me people always meant way more than any other thing in this world but her actions make me doubt the very fabric of humanity itself. But God knows how to do his own balancing act. When she went I got someone who really valued me for me and not for the things I did. And this motivates me to give this beautiful person the best version of me. The real me and show her my true form. Hence, let’s burn to ashes to rise again and be reborn as the person I was once was and always was meant to be.
What troubles me is that how could my Ex do all those things. Calling me and telling me she misses me but at the same time use words that I taught her, nicknames I used to call her, for someone else as if they never meant a single thing to her. How could she talk about adultery and the lewd things in life with the person she cheated on me with, all the while I cried my lungs out? How could she? Where is humanity? After all I did for her all I wanted was for some humanity in return but no! Today I realized something I should have realized long time back. She didn’t deserve me then and doesn’t deserve me now! And therefore, today I close a chapter of my life for good. Because the more I stay the more I’ll know and I do not fear that I’ll hate her but I fear becoming cynical about humanity at large.
So consider this an ode of sorts, a good-bye note if you may. I am done. No more nice guy.
Folks, it’s been a few weeks since I last posted under this category but to be honest with you, I was struggling with my own inhibitions and mental blocks that were preventing me from writing about this. But it’s been a few days since I’ve been slightly more productive than the usual and really wish to share this feeling with the readers out there that do care about this.
I have been used to the life that I was living that I forgot what kind of person I was. Motivated and determined. But it all changes today. I have decided that I will push forward and be the best version of myself irrespective of what the challenges might be. Hence, I flag off the Phoenix Project today and have decided to really extract something more from this life than currently.
In accordance with the same, I shall be posting updates apprising you of my progress and goals. This project will be a super-set of whatever I do on a day to day basis.
Hope you all will be happy reading about this and I sincerely hope can derive some motivation to make a change in your lives as well if you are stuck in a spiral.
Another day has passed and this pain has reduced a little but to be honest, it will take more time. It’s not as easy as it sounds and I know it will take some more time. Some fears will never leave my side, I know this. But what I have to learn is to make them friends and learn to live with them because that’s what defines a person and not the other way around.
I don’t know how many read these posts daily but I want to write and create a sense of accountability that yes, I am trying my level best.
Another day. Another outdoor jog. This time I increased the distance. Have to push my limits.
Another day beckoned me in this tormenting life. Negativity has become such an inseparable part of my life that even doing this transformation journey seems like a pain.
I was rejected for literally no fault of mine or so I’ve been told. I don’t know how life will progress from here. I am broken and confused and there is a small sense of motivation as well. But I don’t know who is losing this war. My motivation is actually wearing thin. I don’t know why is God testing me so much. I hope I am able to see the light of the day.
Ran another 2 kms. Need to push this number higher.
A lot of you might be wondering why am I writing this? Well, the deal is fairly simple. Certain events in life have inspired me to do this. The events that transpired broke me from the inside but I believe that was needed since I had complacent of the position I had in life. People very close to me told me repeatedly to mend my ways but I didn’t listen to them and it led to this happening. As I stand alone at this juncture in life and I wonder do I have a way forward? The path ahead seems dark and dreary but I am willing to do this. For the ones I love and for myself.
It’s been such a long time since I have had this motivation to do something amazing in life and these events no matter how cruel or breaking they are have taught me one thing- Love and feelings are transient. Love isn’t immune to atrocities of changes in personality.
Nothing is safe. But I must use this as a factor to push myself forward. I know there is still hope. And I, Arjun Narain, will fight for it till my last breath because I know the reasons and the outcome is worth fighting for.
Over the next few weeks, I will be posting little victories here on this blog. Please be kind. Many of the things I will do or attempt to do will be the first for me.